


The First Moments of Waking

by flaming_muse



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-25
Updated: 2012-10-25
Packaged: 2017-11-17 00:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/545720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flaming_muse/pseuds/flaming_muse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The best moments of Blaine’s day.</p><p>set after 4x04 (“The Break Up”), no spoilers beyond</p><p>Warning: angst, OMG sorry</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Moments of Waking

The best moments of the day for Blaine are now these slow breaths that take him from sleeping to waking.

It’s no longer getting to his locker at school, because Kurt isn’t there to trot down the hall to greet him with a smile and a plan. It’s no longer when the last bell of the day rings, because Kurt’s not perched on a chair in the choir room waiting for him. It’s no longer climbing the stairs to his room after dinner, because Kurt’s also not waiting for him on the other side of the computer screen, ready to share everything spinning in his fast-moving mind.

The best moments of the day aren’t even sliding into the much-needed respite of sleep at the end of a silent, lonely evening alone in his bedroom, because his dreams are as much of a torment of guilt and longing as his waking hours. He can’t hide there, as much as he might like to.

No, it’s the first few minutes between when Blaine drifts up out of sleep and before he remembers that are the best.

He can be happy now, before he remembers what he’s missing, what he’s lost, what _he_ seems to have ruined.

He can be happy when he curls into the pillow and smiles at the memory of Kurt there with him, before he remembers the last time he and Kurt shared a bed: in New York, every inch between them an agony. He can be happy when he opens his eyes and sees Kurt’s picture on his bedside table, before he remembers that Kurt isn’t smiling at him like that anymore. He can be happy when he reaches for his phone to text him good morning like he has for years now, before he remembers that even if he texts Kurt won’t answer him.

These hazy moments of contentment are the high point of his day, the one time when he feels complete and can breathe without his chest being so tight he wonders how he can fill his lungs.

But then he remembers, and it is unthinkably awful all over again.

There has never been a time since Blaine met Kurt that Kurt wasn’t there on the other end of the phone. Since their first meeting at Dalton, Kurt has been there every time Blaine reached for him. Even since he moved to New York and got so very busy, he still replied. It might not have been soon enough, it might not have been completely enough for Blaine’s aching heart, but he always replied.

And now he doesn’t. Now Blaine can call, can text, can e-mail, can send apologies and flowers until his bank account is running dangerously low, and Kurt doesn’t respond.

There’s no anger, no recrimination, no tear-filled hurt. He just doesn’t respond, like to him Blaine doesn’t exist at all.

Kurt has always seen him, Kurt has opened Blaine’s heart and mind and helped him become who he is, and now to Kurt he doesn’t even exist.

When Blaine floats up into waking and remembers, it feels like he is missing a limb, the pain as sharp and incomprehensible as the very first minute.

He thought he’d been lonely when Kurt left for New York, but it is a thousand times worse now, because he isn’t just missing the feel of Kurt’s arms around him or the way Kurt’s smile can fill Blaine’s heart; he is missing his best friend, the person he talked to every day, the person with whom he shared every little detail through dozens of texts in any given hour. He’s missing the person who understood him best, who supported him without reservation, who believed in him, who cared about him, who challenged him without hurting him.

And now he has none of it.

Kurt is just gone, completely gone from everywhere in Blaine’s life but inside of his heart.

Kurt’s gone.

Looking away from Kurt’s picture where it sits static and distant behind glass, Blaine rolls onto his back and tries to keep breathing. He knows it’s his own fault, but even if he’d thought his actions through before he’d gone to see Eli he’s not sure he could ever have imagined what life without Kurt would really feel like.

He’s not sure he can even understand it now. It’s so big. It’s so unthinkable.

And yet it’s what he has to endure. It’s what he has to live through.

Blaine pushes back the covers and forces himself out of bed. There’s no point in staying there now, not when he’s awake and in the world once more.

On his way to the shower, he sends a text into the void that’s Kurt’s number and tries not to think about how much it hurts. This is his life now, maybe forever.

It’s unthinkable and awful, but it’s what he has to live _with_ , at least until he gets those few blissful moments of forgetfulness tomorrow morning.

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder: I AM SPOILER-FREE. PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL AND TELL ME NOTHING ABOUT WHAT’S COMING AHEAD.


End file.
